today me is embarassed by yesterday me

I'm at a condo in Hawaii, listening to a bunch of really nostalgic music. I really can't lie, Hawaii is a delight despite my trying so hard to dislike it. In fact, the climate and weather are really my only two gripes beside the fact of my stay here cutting into my time with friends. It's very beautiful and my skin is being introduced to daily sun rays, chlorine and salty water. Although the beaches aren't as great as I remembered them to be, the water is really nice. So far, theres been 2 earthquakes and a hurricane.. and this morning it was announced on the radio that a tsunami is on its way. I don't know what I could have possibly done to deserve such bad karma.

I've been spending most of my time avoiding working on my Honors English Project.. It's due the day after I get back, and I am very unprepared. It seems as if thats how most of my projects go nowadays, I don't know why. I've lost all of my motivation for writing, and I almost decided not to even take Honors this year. After a long conversation with my new English teacher and the overbearing persuasion of my mother, I decided to give it a chance, despite my lack of interest. I haven't really been interested in much lately, now that I think about it.

Anyways, I probably should be getting to bed soon. I have to get up at 7:30 AM tomorrow, and I'm really not looking forward to it. I don't know why, but theres something about fishing that appalls me. Last time I witnessed somebody fishing, I threw up. Tomorrow is not going to be good

i feel like whenever someone is attracted to me i instantly become un-interested. i really don't know why this is.

I like waking up at three in the morning in my bed and not doing anything except laying, surrounded by my two favorite people, thinking about the overwhelming limits of this so called life i have. Groggy because I haven't had much sleep at all, I feel conscious of something, for once.

My thoughts tend to linger away by themselves.

And it hit me hard that

I really don't have any control of the way my life is going

And somehow thinking of that makes me want to cry.

My friends are self involved, faux self deprecating assholes.  I'd like to drop kick them in their collective throats.  If you are one of my friends, and feels this message relates to you, forget my phone number immediately.  I've lost any and all interest in sitting through these tedious conversations about how horrible your parents make your life.  We get it, you think you're smarter than they are and they just make life so damn unfair.  They don't trust you...BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO REASON TO YOU DRUGGED UP LITTLE BULLSHITTER.  They don't like your friends BECAUSE THEY SELL YOU THE FUCKING DRUGS.  They make you go to school SO THAT ONE DAY YOU CAN BE SMARTER THAN THEY ARE AS OPPOSED TO NOW WHEN YOUR EGO IS JUST BIGGER.  OH SHIT YOU HAVE TO BE HOME AT SOME REASONABLE HOUR? THOSE FASCIST BASTARDS! 

Get over yourselves already, you're boring.


Not to take the high and mighty road here, I do stupid teenager shit more than anyone I know.  But if my parents were the types who had reasonable rules, I'd accept in and realize it's for a reason.  Just like you should!

I'm just about the verge of tears.

It's because you are so much more better, I can't stand the sight of myself. My existence is something merely invisible, untouchable, intangible. I can only do so much, and yet I don't. I don't know what more I can do because you are in so many ways so much better then me and every single time I try,every time I try and make an effort for us to get closer, I fail miserably. I don't think I have ever tried so hard at anything, and you don't notice, or maybe you do notice, but you just don't care. and I think thats what kills me the most. Because I haven't ever cared about anything so much, I I haven't ever cared about anybody so much.

I want to cry every time I see you, and to question myself over and over, pushing myself to the edge and trying to understand the reason I am just not anything other then a little girl to you. I just can't go on this way, but no matter what, that's all I will ever be to you. and i dont know what to do, what to say, to change it all. And i know in my heart that there isn't even the possibility of changing anything, i just can't go on without you, but I can't go on like this, so I just don't know.

I don't know. I just want to give up so badly but I know that If I did, it would be the biggest regret of my life because you are just so fucking amazing and I just dont know.

I hate myself because I will never know and because I will never dare to go that far, to push my limit, and the find out the truth I have kept somewhere within me. Because I am that scared, and I spend too much time thinking about this, and simply cannot comprehend the meaning behind all this.

And I want to, so much, to cry every single time when I see someone else taking that position that I have so passionately wanted to fufil, but I simply cannot do that, I can't even begin to think about, I am so incapable of satisfying you, and I just feel so stupid, so young, so stranded.