Angelina

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 12:10:20 GMT

NEW ACCOUNT. http://wasteofpaint583.livejournal.com/

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 00:17:31 GMT

today me is embarassed by yesterday me

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 09:56:57 GMT

I'm at a condo in Hawaii, listening to a bunch of really nostalgic music. I really can't lie, Hawaii is a delight despite my trying so hard to dislike it. In fact, the climate and weather are really my only two gripes beside the fact of my stay here cutting into my time with friends. It's very beautiful and my skin is being introduced to daily sun rays, chlorine and salty water. Although the beaches aren't as great as I remembered them to be, the water is really nice. So far, theres been 2 earthquakes and a hurricane.. and this morning it was announced on the radio that a tsunami is on its way. I don't know what I could have possibly done to deserve such bad karma.

I've been spending most of my time avoiding working on my Honors English Project.. It's due the day after I get back, and I am very unprepared. It seems as if thats how most of my projects go nowadays, I don't know why. I've lost all of my motivation for writing, and I almost decided not to even take Honors this year. After a long conversation with my new English teacher and the overbearing persuasion of my mother, I decided to give it a chance, despite my lack of interest. I haven't really been interested in much lately, now that I think about it.

Anyways, I probably should be getting to bed soon. I have to get up at 7:30 AM tomorrow, and I'm really not looking forward to it. I don't know why, but theres something about fishing that appalls me. Last time I witnessed somebody fishing, I threw up. Tomorrow is not going to be good

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 00:08:59 GMT

i feel like whenever someone is attracted to me i instantly become un-interested. i really don't know why this is.

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 06:28:25 GMT

There's a problem with me. But with me, there's always problems. I realise too little too long; too much too little, all disjointed by your reasoning and trying to rationalise the weight that you impounded onto me within a split second. And I am such an idiot, because I will always agree with what you say. With you, it's always oozing with confidence, and I can't speak the truth face to face, because you still remain in my words today, tomorrow and possibly, forever.

There is no trueness truer than that, and to the words you remind me when I talk to you. We carry on, but the words remain.

at the edge.

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 19:38:35 GMT

I like waking up at three in the morning in my bed and not doing anything except laying, surrounded by my two favorite people, thinking about the overwhelming limits of this so called life i have. Groggy because I haven't had much sleep at all, I feel conscious of something, for once.

My thoughts tend to linger away by themselves.

And it hit me hard that

I really don't have any control of the way my life is going

And somehow thinking of that makes me want to cry.

Mon, 21 May 2007 05:44:49 GMT

You know, I believe the reason I'm writing in livejournal is because I needed someplace to write without people judging me and knowing me without saying to me : You're a coward.

I ought to feel nothing today (because I told myself I wouldn't) but I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy when people come up and say how amazing their day was and when their gloating and immersed in their own world.

Because I don't think I feel anything, I don't feel like anything.

I think I might be scaring myself. But then again, I think I'm already too used to it. I should know by now this is nothing more than something that I can never make sense out of.

So how was your day?

I dont know.

Thu, 17 May 2007 04:07:23 GMT

My friends are self involved, faux self deprecating assholes. I'd like to drop kick them in their collective throats. If you are one of my friends, and feels this message relates to you, forget my phone number immediately. I've lost any and all interest in sitting through these tedious conversations about how horrible your parents make your life. We get it, you think you're smarter than they are and they just make life so damn unfair. They don't trust you...BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO REASON TO YOU DRUGGED UP LITTLE BULLSHITTER. They don't like your friends BECAUSE THEY SELL YOU THE FUCKING DRUGS. They make you go to school SO THAT ONE DAY YOU CAN BE SMARTER THAN THEY ARE AS OPPOSED TO NOW WHEN YOUR EGO IS JUST BIGGER. OH SHIT YOU HAVE TO BE HOME AT SOME REASONABLE HOUR? THOSE FASCIST BASTARDS!

Get over yourselves already, you're boring.

Not to take the high and mighty road here, I do stupid teenager shit more than anyone I know. But if my parents were the types who had reasonable rules, I'd accept in and realize it's for a reason. Just like you should!

Wed, 16 May 2007 03:50:25 GMT

I'm just about the verge of tears.

It's because you are so much more better, I can't stand the sight of myself. My existence is something merely invisible, untouchable, intangible. I can only do so much, and yet I don't. I don't know what more I can do because you are in so many ways so much better then me and every single time I try,every time I try and make an effort for us to get closer, I fail miserably. I don't think I have ever tried so hard at anything, and you don't notice, or maybe you do notice, but you just don't care. and I think thats what kills me the most. Because I haven't ever cared about anything so much, I I haven't ever cared about anybody so much.

I want to cry every time I see you, and to question myself over and over, pushing myself to the edge and trying to understand the reason I am just not anything other then a little girl to you. I just can't go on this way, but no matter what, that's all I will ever be to you. and i dont know what to do, what to say, to change it all. And i know in my heart that there isn't even the possibility of changing anything, i just can't go on without you, but I can't go on like this, so I just don't know.

I don't know. I just want to give up so badly but I know that If I did, it would be the biggest regret of my life because you are just so fucking amazing and I just dont know.

I hate myself because I will never know and because I will never dare to go that far, to push my limit, and the find out the truth I have kept somewhere within me. Because I am that scared, and I spend too much time thinking about this, and simply cannot comprehend the meaning behind all this.

And I want to, so much, to cry every single time when I see someone else taking that position that I have so passionately wanted to fufil, but I simply cannot do that, I can't even begin to think about, I am so incapable of satisfying you, and I just feel so stupid, so young, so stranded.

Mon, 07 May 2007 06:31:19 GMT

Your words are like water, smooth and never-ending, and you go on and on. You sound nonchalant about it, occasionally adding a laugh or two here and there. And then,

"I'm sorry."

But in the truest of the core of your soul, you and I both know that you don't mean it. Perhaps you're just saying it to ease your guilt, and I hate you for that. I hate that you have to apologize and you try to sound earnest, like you actually mean it.

But you don't.

Then we change topics.

It's good to think about something other than your ambiguous apology, shifting my thoughts somewhere where it can't escape. And suddenly, I find myself telling you things that I'm not supposed to tell anyone, and why I did that I'll never know.

Most importantly, I can't tell you that you're my inspiration, that you give me a little more to write for. And that you actually mean something to me. Because if truth breaks out, I don't know what to fear anymore.

if..

Mon, 07 May 2007 00:04:07 GMT

if we stayed the same,
if the colours didn't change,
if the snow didn't melt,
if the smiles didn't fade,
if lies weren't made,
if promises wouldn't break,
if words were truth,
if you hadn't..

i think it's so much more better off not knowing.

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 08:55:07 GMT

I really really need to stop drinking. Yesterday morning I sorta made a decision to stop for a while, but it was practically set in stone last night.
You would think that I would be able to handle it by now, but seriously no matter who im with, or what im doing, I always end up doing something fucking crazy that I would never ever even consider to do sober. I seriously wake up with bruises and shit and I have no idea how I got them. The thing is though, I don't even care about the bruises and I definitely don't care about my health, I'm just worried that I'm going to fucking annoy the shit outa people and loose all my friends. Seriously I just cant stop myself when I'm drinking and I go way too far with things. I broke this girls' door last night. I guess I was handcuffed to it or something and I freaked out and kicked it? I dunno, I don't remember last night at all. I woke up this morning and I had no idea where I was, and i had shit written allover my face. On another note, I got my promotion dress today. It was 400 dollars and I'm not going to lie, it looks amazing on. I really should watch my weight though because its already really fucking tight on me. I just hope that I don't gain any weight in the next few months because I dunno what I would do if the dress didn't fit. I need to be fucking skinny by summer, so I guess I could just start working on it now. I just wish that I could actually pull off being anorexic.

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 04:06:26 GMT

He is the waves that fill my heart

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 08:40:47 GMT

I hate when you want to believe somebody so bad but deep down you know you just can't.

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 07:47:09 GMT

My ex-friend said this to me after not speaking to eachother for two months.

"I'm glad we had our fight in a way. It made me see a world I never knew exsisted and people I never knew were alive. There was this whole new world......I knew you were use to being alone because after our fight I felt alone and I started noticing people with that same lonely look I had on my face. Then I realized thats's the look you've had for the past 2 years."

Sometimes the people you never want back in your life are going to be all you have when it comes down to it.

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 06:07:07 GMT

you are the reason I couldn't sleep last night.
I kept thinking about what I said, what you said; what we said.
every feeling in my body went from being ecstatic that you started our afternoon chat, to thinking you spoke entirely too soon.

why is there always something-
something to ruin a perfectly good state of mind?
something that changes our opinion?
something to decompose a casual friendship?

now i am here:
laying,
thinking,
hoping,
wanting
to fall asleep and dream that we will forever be together.

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 01:47:22 GMT

What I do is an explanation of how I feel. Time passes quickly for me, yet stands so still. I feel incapable of living. I feel I am nothing at all; yet I am the only one. There is nothing to think about, but I am thinking. There is nothing to say, but I am speaking. There is nothing to love, but I am loving. There is no controlling intellect. For what purpose I am here, I will never understand. The one thing I want is too far to grasp. The one who I love I have yet to meet. I am filled with emptiness. I know not what I am doing, but I do it anyways. I forget the past; there is no use for it. If we learn from our mistakes, why then are we not equal to that of perfection? Turn down your surroundings and listen to the silence. What I am is not within me, but what I am surrounded by. Who I am is not within me, but what I am perceived as. I don't strive for happiness; It only shows what you are without. There is no such thing as satisfaction. Release your inner perplexities and consolidate your thoughts.

I am a voiceless conversation. I am whatever you say I am; whatever you want me to be.

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 02:16:52 GMT

Imagine if there were a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400, and carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening it deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.

What would you do? Draw out all of it, of course.

Each of us has such a bank. It's name is Time.

Every morning, it credits us with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this we have failed to invest to good purpose.
It carries over no balance.
It allows no overdraft.

Each day it opens a new account for us.
Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If we fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is ours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."
We must live in the present on today's deposits.
Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success.
The clock is running. Make the most of today.

Treasure every moment that you have.
And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 09:08:43 GMT

Everything is so fucked up
I don't know what to say, don't know what to do, don't know what I felt or what I wanted to feel or
what I do feel or anything at all.

I thought I'd be better by now

I don't miss him-
I miss everything he was for me, what he represented and how he knew everything about me

I'm on this constant search but when I'm getting close I run and I run and I run and I run because I'm so freaking terrified it will all end up like last time
and the time before that
and the time before that

I'm longing for someone and I know exactly who

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 18:09:29 GMT

he viewed the present tense as a paper jam or a dam blocking a raging river, everything that had seemed so backed up was suddenly so forced. the concept of devastation is a hard thing to grasp, but he understood that even the worst events produce some of the best results, like trees that grow out of forest fires or something of the sort. it showered for what seemed like days in his mind, but now it was in a realist's eyes. days like these where the warmth of a sweater can be substituted for human contact, and a sonnet for a voice, days like these he realizes that he is more a mask and mirror than a camera lense and shutter.

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 21:51:17 GMT

"what if..." she had begun to ask him
but that lonely look in his eyes
told her more than words ever could...
since that first glance she could read him.
like a child's storybook with bold-faced letters
but to her...he was more
he was an encyclopedia of the heart
written entirely in storybook writing
but even now, as she looked at him
he wasn't that same book she had once thought
the pages had torn and the writing seemed faded
as if the very ink were unsure of itself
the cover had lost most of it's color
leaving now a soiled and torn mockery of what once had been
the pages that had once held her attention so
now did nothing more than to bore her
as she lowered her eyes, she realized....
though she had known all along...
she had ruined the book she had once loved

as she went to leave, she kissed him on his cheek
and told him the last thing she would ever say to him
"there's someone out there who can love a broken book..."

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 02:49:45 GMT

i found some letters the other day.

i put them in a box in my room.

they are from a girl who said she would be there forever.

i thought forever meant forever.

i guess i was wrong.

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 06:23:11 GMT

I awoke to the sound of rain dripping down my window. My hair was sticking up and my covers were wrapped around me in a way that made me never want to get up from bed again. I could feel my body sinking into the cotton layers of my bed. I was still half asleep, so I thought I would jump into the shower to try and wake myself up. The feeling of the hot water against my cold skin made my whole body throb. I quickly washed my hair, and stepped out of the shower. As I got dressed, I thought about my life. I thought about how things got to be so fucked up, and why they are fucked up. I wondered why revolution seemed to be too far out of reach. Then, I wondered how someone could be so ignorant to think such things. I needed to concentrate on trying to find something appropriate to wear. I was going with my entire family, so I needed to make sure to pick out something that wouldn’t put my mom into one of those moods that made her think I was “growing up to fast”. I threw on some clothes, and walked into the kitchen. I took out a china bowl from the cabninet, and I sat it infront of me on the kitchen table. I sat down and I stared at the bowl. I debated skipping breakfast, but i knew that this one missed breakfast wasn't going to turn me into a supermodel overnight. i poured my cereal, and quickly ate before i changed my mind. I knew I needed to hurry up with breakfast because I had little time to get ready. I finished up what I was eating and I got up from my seat. As I peeked into my brothers room, I could smell the scent of incense pouring out of his doorway. He was still sleeping so I thought I would check in on him later. I walked towards my room; the cold hardwood floor sent the chills throughout my body. As I entered my room

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 00:39:07 GMT

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach about a 100 times. I've felt like this all week, i feel so alone. I feel so weak. I've fallen back into this black hole that comes every winter. I hate it so much.. I'm trying to push it away so hard. To pull it out of me, to get it out of me for once and for all. Not for it to come back next year. I thought I was getting better, I really did. I thought that I was actually happy. I mean HAPPY with myself. but I'm not. I look at myself, and I see one big ball of negetivity. I look down at my legs. I see fat. I look at my face I see nothing special. I see almost some person that doesn't mean much to anyone. Maybe I do, but at this point I sure don't feel like it. I thought those negetive people were gone . I miss that positive feeling in me. Fill me up with insecurities, give me a vague feeling. Take me away from this place.

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 00:26:38 GMT

I can't belive this, I can't belive this, I can't belive this, and I can't. I have been better than before, but you left me here, thinking. You may or may not understand what it's like to rise from temporary darkness. But in case you don't or have forgotten, i'll remind you of what I used to go through. Everytime I looked in the mirror, I couldn't take it anymore. I stared, and kept staring, but I didn't want to. I had come to hate what was staring back at me. I hated it. I hated it. I hated it.
break the glass. break the glass. just fucking break the glass.
and I broke it.

perhaps I should remind you of what you did to me; all of the pain I subconsciencely went through. I dragged myself to my feet not wanting to go on, but I did. Not because I was strong, but because there was hope. And i'm writing this to you so you will hopefully comprehend how things are now. How they aren't because of you, but because there is no you. I'm smilng now. I'm smiling, I'm smiling, I'm smiling, and there's laughter.
the sun is shining. the sun is shining. I wake for a reason now.
and I am happy.

there is no you. there is no one. there is only myself.